OF VILLAINS AND VICTIMS

It's been a rather long while since I posted anything on my blog. Some of my readers intimated that perhaps it's because I had nothing to say. Some said it's because I had run out of juice and just did not have the ability to put thoughts together anymore. I must say that perhaps they were right. I mean let's face it...I failed miserably over the past several months to execute my charge as a member of the fourth estate by exploiting this wonderful platform of alternative media. And the dreadful thing is, it was not for want of material....good heavens no. I mean with an electoral process that fell desperately short of the expectations of Kenyans, the fact that my president and his deputy are both suspects at the Hague, the fact that even though a firm opposition is terribly necessary for a thriving democracy and CORD seems intent on failing in this noble task, that we were told mattresses were burning at Westgate....the list is endless. But that which makes me lose the will to live, and strikes untold fear in the very heart of mine, is the dark thought that according to our fine constitution, Justin Muturi stands a chance of being my president. God help us all. So you see, it was not for lack of material. I was disgusted. Plain and simple. But come come, disgust is in no way a sufficient reason to give up on one's patriotic duty is it now? I hardly think so. I have therefore elected to stop being such an ignorant and insufferable spineless idiot and wade into the mire of 'doing my part' and joining the national conversation. By reason of my long introduction, I shall be brief as I get into the crux of the matter. ODM is taking us for a ride as a people and is not exhibiting mannerisms consistent with the forces of democracy the agents have championed the party to be. Though I am a journalist, I have stated before that I am member of ODM. I do this because I think it is a rather stupid notion to assume that a journalist does not have any political conviction. If there exist any such person in this noble profession, I fear for the future of journalism. I say this because it needs be a member of ODM saying it. Raila Odinda told the world that democracy was on trial. This the former Prime Minister did with a straight face after a farcical nomination process in his own party. So I was not overly surprised that ODM could not pull off a credible election at Kasarani. The obvious scapegoat was my all time favorite...'EXTERNAL FORCES'

I have often wondered...do these people really think Kenyans are that stupid? Are Kenyans a factory for votes in general elections to validate their facade of democracy? I was even more worried when friends of mine who are members of the Jubilee coalitition laughed about what happened at Kasarani. Do we not realise that a weak and ridiculous opposition is detrimental to us all? Nobody should be laughing... we should be worried as hell! The administration and the opposition need to get their act together really fast, because a year after the polls, there are no heroes in this story. There are only villains and victims. Disgusted victims.

GUNS N' NOSES

Joseph Raz,a legal positivist described the medieval times as an era when subjects could not probe authority, and were burdened with the curse of obeying the high handed directives of lesser persons simply because they had the privilege of undeserving authority. Dark times one might think, but alas, it would seem the madness of an era we would rather forget will not stop tagging at the tails of our coats.

The enthusiasm with which Kenyans embraced the new constitution is a true testament to the assertion that it does not matter how badly the confidence of a people has been eroded, they can still find hope at the slightest opportunity. The hope that Kenyans have carried is that the new constitution would set in motion processes that would rectify the wrongs with which we have had to contend by reason of bad governance.

We may have weaknesses as a people, but we are not a stupid lot. We knew from the get go that the constitution is just a lifeless document unless we put Kenyan men and women in office who can breath life into it. So a rigorous process was kicked off in an effort to find the best candidates to fill certain positions and key among them was the ....wait for it....judiciary. So far Dr. willy Mutunga has done an excellent job. He has executed his charge with a fearless zeal that is awe inspiring. From admitting legal practitioners to the bar, to standing up to the executive when it exhibited an unspeakable form of arrogance over that Bashir mess. Hats off to you sir!

But into the garden a serpent did enter.

Not only was it annoying, but terribly embarrassing for the whole country when the deputy CJ, Nancy Baraza behaved like an insane vigilante and then made matters worse by issuing a press statement that was devoid of any sense to defend her less than graceful behavior.

Dear deputy CJ, I do not know if you have been watching the news, but there is a war on. We have our sons and daughters shedding blood in Somalia trying to defend our way of life. As such the retaliation by the enemy is not conventional. They have carried out terrorist attacks on the people of this country and therefore security must be beefed up in the homeland. And yes, that means being frisked when you enter a shopping mall. What really gets my goat is that she had the gall to pinch miss Kerubo's nose before brandishing a gun and waving it in her face! Let's not forget that this was after she unsuccessfully ordered her bodyguard to shoot the poor young lady.

I may be wrong, but when we said we want reformists, we did not mean gun totting, nose pinching lunatics.

I must say this of you dear deputy CJ. You have shamed us, and you have shamed the judiciary by your display of arrogance and your disgusting inability to show your fellow Kenyan even the slightest modicum of respect. You showed no class. None whatsoever.

I know she's a powerful woman and has tutored us to know that it is still possible to have your life destroyed and/or your nose pinched if you step on big toes. So after posting this article, I will walk around with a nuisance mask for a while. I shudder at the thought of having my nose pinched. That just wouldn't do.

ANOTHER IDIOT FOR PRESIDENT

So today as I waited for 3pm so that I could embark on my show, I was chatting with an old friend with whom I had the great good fortune of schooling in St. Mary's Yala. Okay here's the thing, after lunch I'm more often than not terribly useless because I tend eat Ugali like a construction worker, and end up sitting around like a bloody python trying to recover before I look like a bloated fool for all to see. Well today was one such day, and it was so bad that my pal could tell even through chat that I was a fine mess. So in an attempt to jump start my otherwise dead brain he asked me, in jest of course, when I would announce I was running for president? At this point, I ask you not to shudder because, I am not running for presidency. That would be disastrous I know. But I thought about it, and sad as it may be, it is becoming increasingly easy for anybody who is bored, with an acceptable level of stupidity to declare their interest in running for elective office. Enter Upper stage right, Kingwa Kamencu

And you would think such a day would have trembled to begin. There I was seated in my living room feeling well pleased with myself for not having done anything overtly stupid that day. The universe was working as it ought :) I then decided to watch the news, because I knew even the terrible grammatical standards to which Kenyans are subjected by reason of the poor lexical density of our anchors and reporters could not dampen my spirits. Then it happened.

Kingwa Kamencu came to my screen and a part of me died! She basically sat there and despite the twaddle that came out of her mouth as she moved her lips and punctuated it with sobs, all I heard was this:

Dear Kenyans, please forget the fact that I know nothing about politics or governance, please do not consider that I studied literature at UON and my attempts to construct a sentence in English will make you want to vomit, please forget the fact that despite me taking African Studies at Oxford, my attempts to speak in Swahili will actually make you vomit, do not be too concerned about the fact that my crying lends credibility to the stereotype that women are a weaker sex.
Ignore all this and vote for me because I labor under the illusion that I have a dashing smile and the passion of a campus student leader and this should land me the gig if the world is a fair place.

It was at that point that I turned off my telly, called it an early night knowing that despite my earlier cheery self, I had lost the will to live

THIS SILLY WORD "KENYA"

So I got myself quite an earful from readers of Twenty Twenty asking me why the devil I was saying nothing about the death of Osama Bin Laden. Well after all the madness and the excitement has died down , I can now reveal, that it was simply because he deserved no space on this blog. He is responsible for the deaths of over two hundred Kenyans, and I feel no inclination whatsoever to talk about him even in death. If it were up to me, he would be erased from memory!

So how about we talk about something a little more worthy of our time. I have noticed that in every national address, the president and the prime minister will always utter the words "Our Country Kenya" Now, even though they use this phrase willy-nilly, I highly doubt these agents of power have the slightest clue what this word "Kenya" means.

So what does this word "Kenya" (Having to type the quotation marks is driving me crazy)mean?

Well, to the so called middle class of the city, it entails a night out with the boys or girls, it entails fueling ones car, servicing the same, attending a football match perhaps, and of course there is the ever present headache of school fees.

For the more fortunately opulent, the word "Kenya" means a day at the spa, or at the club, the nerve wracking wait for your latest model of the car you saw on Top Gear last week. But the life of the rich is not easy, on the contrary! There is the annoying inconvenience of being served with the wrong fork at an expensive restaurant. The experience is unbearable!

Then there is the lot with which the inconsequential Kenyan must contend. Going home at the end of the day, without a job after a day of tarmacking on an empty stomach. Oh yes, and when I said going home, you may have been under the illusion that i am talking about four stone walls...on the contrary, i am talking a bout a shanty in the slum that would not afford any level of privacy. Why even you last meal is not a secret as the fesses from your makeshift toilet are there for all to see.

Then there is the hopelessness, that makes you seriously consider death as a thing of bliss, and the constant wrangling in the political arena, that you would very willingly listen to on your battery powered radio, but you are too busy mopping the brow of your sick mother, because even though you took her to the government hospital yesterday and waited in line for five hours, and witnessed three other patients wait to their death, your sigh of relief was wasted when they called her name for treatment, after which you were told the pharmacy was empty.

And the next time a Kenyan crosses the line first at an international athletics meet, our chests will swell with pride, because it really does not matter which Kenya you come from does it? As long as it is a Kenya of sorts.

So no! I will not talk about Osama Bin Laden. I would much rather talk about this silly word "Kenya" whatever it may mean to you.

Dont be a schmuck like your old man!

So today the whole country..nay..the whole world, is going nuts about the royal wedding between Prince William and the lovely Kate. But why are Kenyans glued to their screens? Because deep down we all love happy endings, despite the cynics we all laboriously try to fashion ourselves into. We are a mushy lot. The sooner we accept it, the better.

A considerable number of years back Prince Charles also kept the whole world breathless when he was slapping on the ol' ball and chain courtesy of the lovely Princess Diana. And by gum what a show it was! It seemed a match made in heaven, until the good prince decided to be a typical man and exhibit a strain of stupidity akin only to that of a retarded ape, by cheating on his gorgeous wife with a woman who makes a scarecrow look like model on a catwalk in Milan.

I have seen people do a lot of silly things in my day, but the Prince of wales definitely takes the cake! But being the affable fellow that I am, I will not belabor the point. It is however my sincere hope, that William will not follow in the footsteps of his father, who I can easily sum up as a failed senior bachelor, caught somewhere between an old prince, and a King in waiting.

William, you are a family man now. Married to the Duchess of Cambridge! Act like it is so. You have a great gift that millions of men crave. Guard it with your life. Guard it even from yourself!

Don't be a schmuck like your old man!

Oh, do wipe that silly look off your face!

By nature, man is created with the unenviable curse of amassing power at whatever cost. So void of morals have we become, that any who shies from this vice is dismissed in a heart beat as a man without ambition and consequently a disgusting waste of human flesh. But come now, if there is anything that history has tutored us to understand, is that this road to greatness, abandoned by the siren of conscious, is not only treacherous, but brings out a beast in us all best left to the confines of dark imagination.

Despite this, there are those who have relentlessly pursued this dark road, leaving in their wake broken hearts, destroyed lives, widowed women, fatherless sons, and women who spend their sunset years bitterly replacing flowers on the unmarked graves of their children. They have taken many forms these beats. Hitler, Abacha, Amin, Kasavubu...the list is endless.

Trouble is, when a people have had enough, and realise that a government should be afraid of its people and not the other way around, nine times out of ten, these agents of destruction are faced with a dilemma of epic proportions, and their end is never a romantic one. What drives me up the friggin wall, is the way they then try portray themselves as victims with ridiculous, pitiful looks on their damn faces! That is not only annoying, but an insult to the thousands of people they have caused endless suffering with their rogue ambition!

In the recent passed, the silly faces I saw that drove me to the brink of a maddening rage, were those of Saddam Hussein and our very own Laurent Gbabgbo. Seeing these guys trying to look wronged almost made me want to break my terribly cheap TV set!

Listen you bloody agents, I will only say this once. With all the pain and suffering you have caused, the least you can do is stand by your actions and look like the evil, arrogant men you are. Commit to your roles. You are not the victims, but the villains in this story!
So do stop insulting our intelligence and wipe that silly look off your face!

I'LL MAKE A KING OF YOU YET, YOU DAMN SLAVE!

So as the tale goes, Michelle and Barrack Obama went to have dinner at a restaurant, when a waiter came and whispered something in Michelle's ear. Michelle duly excused herself from the table and went to talk to the owner of the restaurant. Now, Barrack is a very secure fellow, but when he saw the owner of the restaurant give his wife a hug, he was a little miffed!! So when Michelle returned to the table, he asked her "So who was that honey?" Michelle smiled and said, "Oh he was my boyfriend long before I met you." So Obama tries to be clever and says, "so if you would have married him, you would have been a co owner of this restaurant?" Michelle chuckled and said "no, if I would have gotten married to him, he would have been president!"

And that there is the power of women. A God given right to make kings of men! But this is a power so very often discarded because the man is either too stupid to wear the crown crafted by his woman, or the woman is too busy bending the man to her will, thus making a slave of him.

To all men, you have got to be either destructively arrogant or irrevocably retarded to think you can assume true greatness without involving the woman in your life. To all women, if you're of the silly opinion that your man should be your slave and not a king, you are given to a terrible arrogance and give a new definition to the word "clueless."